Things haven’t been great for Roberto Luongo since the Stanley Cup finals shifted from Vancouver to Boston.
He seems to start off well enough (allowing just one goal in the two first periods), but the wheels really fall off when the second period arrives. Luongo allowed four goals on 14 shots in the second period of Game 3 and two on 12 shots in Game 4. He allowed four more in an embarrassing Game 3 third and one in Game 4 before mercifully being pulled after Rich Peverley scored his second goal of the game.
With a stunning 12 goals allowed in just five periods of play, I couldn’t help but wonder: is the Boston Bruins’ goal song “Kernkraft 400” by Zombie Nation becoming almost as painful for Luongo to hear as “Chelsea Dagger” by The Fratelli’s? That thought process produced a little idea: if you were to put together a mix tape of the goal songs that probably annoy Luongo the most, which songs would make it?
How the songs were determined: Aside from the obvious choices of Boston and Chicago, I took a look at teams Luongo struggled against the most during road games during the last three regular seasons. This list includes the most recent goal songs we know of, but feel free to correct these choices in the comments. Last note: let’s imagine the mix being an “EP” length record rather than an “LP” or double-album.
The soundtrack to Roberto Luongo’s misery
1. “Kernkraft 400” by Zombie Nation (Boston Bruins’ goal song)
Comments about the song: This song earns the rare distinction in which the band name and song title are virtually interchangeable. You may know this song from the movie “Shaun of the Dead” as well.
How the Bruins made the mix: Again, 12 goals in 5 periods on the hockey world’s biggest stage probably imprints the “Oh” chant in Luongo’s skull. He didn’t have much success in Boston in his rare regular season appearances, either.
2. “Bro Hymn” by Pennywise (Anaheim Ducks’ goal song)
Comments: Skip to the 1:30 or so mark of the song to find out why this makes sense as a goal celebration song. It feels like this song is featured on every skateboarding video game soundtrack ever, doesn’t it?
How the Ducks made the mix: Luongo allowed four goals in one game against Anaheim in 2010-11 and 10 in two games in 08-09. (He didn’t play a road game against the Ducks in 09-10.)
3. “Crowd chant” by Joe Satriani (Minnesota Wild goal song)
Comments: Do you ever wonder how many “jock jams” were conscious attempts to keep making licensing money and which ones came together by blind luck? This song was probably a member of the former group, but let’s be fair: it worked. Satriani makes the bold move of throwing “Whoa’s” in a landscape rife with “Oh’s” and “Yeah’s.”
How the Wild made the mix: He allowed six goals in one game in Minnesota game this season and 10 in two last season. Only his 08-09 appearance wasn’t so Whoa-full (he only allowed one goal).
4. “Shot down in flames” by AC/DC (Calgary Flames’ goal song)
Comments: This one earns two “finally” ranks: 1) Finally, an AC/DC song and 2) Finally, a shameless pun about the team name.
How the Flames made the mix: Like the Wild, the Flames received more opportunities to face Luongo since they’re in the same division but regularly gave them issues. Luongo allowed five goals in two Calgary games in 10-11, 10 in three in 09-10 and seven in two in 08-09.
5. “I love LA” by Randy Newman (Los Angeles Kings’ goal song)
Comments: Only the most area-specific theme could get Randy Newman playing in the mall metal world of NHL arenas. It’s kind of admirable, really.
How the Kings made the mix: His overall numbers against LA aren’t too awful (16 goals in four games over three seasons), but allowing eight in one game in 09-10 pushes them over the top.
6. “Chelsea Dagger” by The Fratelli’s (Chicago Blackhawks’ goal song)
Comments: I marvel at any non-Blackhawks fan who enjoys this song at this point, but to each his (or her) own.
How the Blackhawks made the mix: You know this already.