Hockey writers poke fun at possible rule changes from R&D camp

Thumbnail image for developmentcampone.jpgWhenever the NHL discusses making changes – particularly ones that are off the beaten path – they make life pretty simple and easy for satirists and bloggers. So it’s probably no surprise that while blogs such as our own did indeed pour over a ton of the details, some of the funniest hockey writers had a field day with the NHL research and development camp.

With that in mind, I thought I’d share three of the better parody articles on the subject.

First, here is some commentary from Colorado Avalanche blogger Jibblescribbits, who produced fake reactions from NHL team’s on potential rule changes.

5 Minutes of 3 vs 3 OT

Washington Capitals scout– Imagine an Ovechkin-Semin-Green line. Or we could be radical and use two forwards and a defenseman

A Minnesota Wild scout– It’ll be difficult, but I think we could still suck the life out of this.

A Philadelphia Flyers scout – Plays right into our hands, since we’re kind of used to playing 3 vs 5 anyways

[snip]

24 inch blueline

Detroit Red Wings scouts – Our players may finally be able to see it

Ottawa Senators scouts – More defensive zone to protect? At least it won’t change Jason Spezza’s game

A Vancouver Canucks scout – Wait they’re testing 24 inch blue lines? You don’t say. I just thought Wellwood fell on it.

scoutsatrandd.jpgNext, the Pegasus News has their snarky list of “long overdue rule changes” (that didn’t actually go through, obviously).

Long-Overdue Rule Change #16: Unattractive players will be given game misconducts.

Long-Overdue Rule Change #17: Special “Get Medieval” nights will feature players using spiked maces instead of sticks, referees dressed like bishops and plague-infected rats swarming the concession stands.

Long-Overdue Rule Change #18: Two-minute minors will be accompanied by the player’s mom showing embarrassing baby photos of the offender on the JumboTron.

Finally, you cannot have a story about hockey satire without blogger Down Goes Brown. Here’s an excerpt from the piece he wrote for his new gig with The National Post.

The league also looked at continuing to restrict line changes. One new rule would see teams that went offside be unable to change lines before the next faceoff, similar to what happens now with icing. This change is expected to be popular with the many fans who find themselves saying things like “This game is OK, but I’d enjoy it more if the players were constantly vomiting from exhaustion.”

This ongoing war on line changes is expected to someday culminate with coaches having the option to disable line changes altogether, but only if the opposing coach gets up to use the bathroom and leaves his Xbox controller lying around.

Icing has always been a mixed blessing for hockey fans. On the one hand, races for the puck are exciting. On the other, exploding hip fragments can sometimes fly up into the stands and get in your beer. The NHL is trying to find a way to keep the former while minimizing the latter.

The answer appears to be a concept called hybrid icing, which is just like regular icing except it gets better mileage. Experts agree that it will cost twice as much and cause your insufferable granola-snorting neighbour to strut around like he’s better than you.

Good stuff. I hope you enjoyed those parody articles as much as I did. Remember, even in some of the darkest (or driest) of times, someone – somewhere – will write something funny that makes fun of hockey. Kind of a comforting thought, isn’t it?

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    BREAKING: Flames fire head coach Bob Hartley

    Calgary Flames head coach Bob Hartley gives instructions during the third period of an NHL hockey game against the Pittsburgh Penguins in Pittsburgh, Saturday, March 5, 2016. The Flames won 4-2. (AP Photo/Gene J. Puskar)
    Associated Press
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    The Calgary Flames have decided to move on from head coach Bob Hartley. The team made the announcement via their Twitter account on Tuesday morning. Associate coach Jacques Cloutier has also been informed that he won’t be back next season.

    Hartley and the Flames surprised many last year when they won 45 games and made the postseason. Hartley was awarded the Jack Adams Trophy as the league’s top coach.

    What a difference a year makes. Unfortunately for the Flames, they won just 35 games in 2015-16 and finished 26th in the overall standings. They were also the NHL’s worst defensive team, and that doesn’t reflect well on the coaching staff.

    The Flames have called a press conference at noon ET.

    More details to come.

    Kris Letang will have a hearing for hit on Marcus Johansson

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    Many expected it to happen and now it has. The NHL’s Department of Player Safety confirmed that Penguins defenseman Kris Letang will have a hearing for his hit on Caps forward Marcus Johansson in Game 3.

    After Brooks Orpik was suspended three games for this hit on Olli Maatta in Game 2, many people are expecting a similar outcome for Letang. It’s important to note that there are certain similarities between the two hits, but there are also some key differences.

    Both victims definitely took shots to the head, there’s no doubt about that, but to say that the hits are identical isn’t accurate. First, although Letang’s hit appears to be late (0.6 seconds after the puck is gone is considered late), it isn’t as late as Orpik’s hit on Maatta. Another key factor to consider is that unlike Maatta, Johansson returned to the game.

    Letang was given a two-minute penalty for interference on the play.

    TSN hockey insider Bob McKenzie breaks it down perfectly:

    A decision is expected to be made later on today.

    Here’s your Stanley Cup playoffs schedule for tonight

    Stanley Cup
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    The Stanley Cup playoffs continue with three games on Tuesday night. You can catch tonight’s games via the NBC Sports Group’s television and digital platforms.

    Tampa Bay at NY Islanders (7:00 p.m. ET)

    The TV broadcast of Game 3 will be on NBCSN. To stream the game using the NBC Sports Live Extra app, click here.

    San Jose at Nashville (9:00 p.m. ET)

    The TV broadcast of Game 3 will be on the USA Network. To stream the game using the NBC Sports Live Extra app, click here.

    Dallas at St. Louis (9:30 p.m. ET)

    The TV broadcast of Game 3 will be on NBCSN. To stream the game using the NBC Sports Live Extra app, click here.

    Here’s some reading material to get you ready for tonight’s action:

    Lightning strikes: Bolts even series with Islanders

    The Sharks are the only team to grab a 2-0 series lead in the second round

    Seguin resumes skating in Dallas, Ruff notes ‘they have flights to St. Louis every day’

    PHT Morning Skate: Adam Henrique wants to make NHL 17 great again

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    PHT’s Morning Skate takes a look around the world of hockey to see what’s happening and what we’ll be talking about around the NHL world and beyond.

    Martin Jones is a calming presence in the Sharks’ net. (Sports Illustrated)

    –The Rangers should go after Blues defenseman Kevin Shattenkirk. (The Hockey News)

    –Some people have pretty wild hockey tattoos. (BarDown)

    –Watch the highlights of last night’s game between the Penguins and Capitals. (Top)

    –A great piece on how Bruce Boudreau impacted the Ducks and Capitals. (Sportsnet)

    –It should be an interesting off-season for the Anaheim Ducks. (Daily Breeze)

    Adam Henrique is a funny guy. He took to Twitter to try and get himself on the cover of NHL 17: