Hockey writers poke fun at possible rule changes from R&D camp

Thumbnail image for developmentcampone.jpgWhenever the NHL discusses making changes – particularly ones that are off the beaten path – they make life pretty simple and easy for satirists and bloggers. So it’s probably no surprise that while blogs such as our own did indeed pour over a ton of the details, some of the funniest hockey writers had a field day with the NHL research and development camp.

With that in mind, I thought I’d share three of the better parody articles on the subject.

First, here is some commentary from Colorado Avalanche blogger Jibblescribbits, who produced fake reactions from NHL team’s on potential rule changes.

5 Minutes of 3 vs 3 OT

Washington Capitals scout– Imagine an Ovechkin-Semin-Green line. Or we could be radical and use two forwards and a defenseman

A Minnesota Wild scout– It’ll be difficult, but I think we could still suck the life out of this.

A Philadelphia Flyers scout – Plays right into our hands, since we’re kind of used to playing 3 vs 5 anyways

[snip]

24 inch blueline

Detroit Red Wings scouts – Our players may finally be able to see it

Ottawa Senators scouts – More defensive zone to protect? At least it won’t change Jason Spezza’s game

A Vancouver Canucks scout – Wait they’re testing 24 inch blue lines? You don’t say. I just thought Wellwood fell on it.

scoutsatrandd.jpgNext, the Pegasus News has their snarky list of “long overdue rule changes” (that didn’t actually go through, obviously).

Long-Overdue Rule Change #16: Unattractive players will be given game misconducts.

Long-Overdue Rule Change #17: Special “Get Medieval” nights will feature players using spiked maces instead of sticks, referees dressed like bishops and plague-infected rats swarming the concession stands.

Long-Overdue Rule Change #18: Two-minute minors will be accompanied by the player’s mom showing embarrassing baby photos of the offender on the JumboTron.

Finally, you cannot have a story about hockey satire without blogger Down Goes Brown. Here’s an excerpt from the piece he wrote for his new gig with The National Post.

The league also looked at continuing to restrict line changes. One new rule would see teams that went offside be unable to change lines before the next faceoff, similar to what happens now with icing. This change is expected to be popular with the many fans who find themselves saying things like “This game is OK, but I’d enjoy it more if the players were constantly vomiting from exhaustion.”

This ongoing war on line changes is expected to someday culminate with coaches having the option to disable line changes altogether, but only if the opposing coach gets up to use the bathroom and leaves his Xbox controller lying around.

Icing has always been a mixed blessing for hockey fans. On the one hand, races for the puck are exciting. On the other, exploding hip fragments can sometimes fly up into the stands and get in your beer. The NHL is trying to find a way to keep the former while minimizing the latter.

The answer appears to be a concept called hybrid icing, which is just like regular icing except it gets better mileage. Experts agree that it will cost twice as much and cause your insufferable granola-snorting neighbour to strut around like he’s better than you.

Good stuff. I hope you enjoyed those parody articles as much as I did. Remember, even in some of the darkest (or driest) of times, someone – somewhere – will write something funny that makes fun of hockey. Kind of a comforting thought, isn’t it?

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    ‘Many teams’ interested in Leafs prospect Toninato, who could go UFA

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    Here’s a name to keep an eye on as this summer progresses: Dominic Toninato.

    Toninato, 23, was Toronto’s fifth-round pick way back in 2012. From there, he went the collegiate route and put together a strong four years at Minnesota-Duluth. His NCAA career culminated with a senior season in which he served as team captain, set a personal high in points and led the Bulldogs to the Frozen Four final.

    Though his rights are currently owned by the Leafs, Toninato would become an unrestricted free agent on Aug. 16 if he and the club don’t reach an agreement. You’d think, based on his body of work, Toninato would be a major priority for GM Lou Lamoriello, but it’s not that simple. Thanks to years of stockpiling draft picks, Toronto has a ton of prospects — but can only have 50 players under contract at the NHL level.

    Adding to the complexity? There are other teams lined up to make Toninato an offer.

    “Dom’s a good player. Will teams be interested? Yes. There will be many teams interested in him,” agent Neil Sheehy told the Star. “The process right now is working with the Leafs. They hold his rights till Aug. 16.

    “They have a lot of things that they’re trying to figure out.”

    Reading between the lines, it doesn’t sound especially promising in Toronto. The club offered Toninato a deal last summer, which he turned down to return to school. They could offer him an AHL contract — there’s no limit on those — but Sheehy said his client isn’t interested in that.

    Sheehy said he hopes to have more clarity in late June, following the expansion and entry drafts.

     

     

    Expansion draft will force Ducks to make some big decisions

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    Bob Murray managed to keep the Anaheim Ducks together for a shot at the Stanley Cup.

    But after losing to Nashville in the Western Conference Final, Anaheim’s general manager will now have to make some big decisions — especially with the expansion draft looming.

    If the Ducks decide to protect seven forwards and three defensemen, the blue line will definitely be worth watching. Hampus Lindholm will be protected for sure, and Shea Theodore and Brandon Montour are each exempt. But that only leaves two spots for Sami Vatanen, Kevin Bieksa, Cam Fowler, and Josh Manson.

    Bieksa, 35, has a no-movement clause, so unless the Ducks find a way to get around that, they’ll need to protect him. (Chances are, they’ll seek a way around it, either via trade or buyout or just convincing him to waive.)

    Fowler, meanwhile, only has one year left on his contract before he can become an unrestricted free agent. And after the season he just had, with 39 points in 80 games, the 25-year-old won’t be cheap to re-sign. For that reason, it’s possible Murray may choose to shop Fowler instead. Or perhaps it’s Vatanen that goes on the block.

    Yes, there is the option to protect four defensemen and four forwards. But Ryan Getzlaf, Corey Perry, and Ryan Kesler all have NMCs, and the Ducks won’t want to expose Rickard Rakell or Jakob Silfverberg.

    In goal, the Ducks have John Gibson under club control for years to come, but they’ll need to choose a backup. Jonathan Bernier is an unrestricted free agent, and even though he played well during the regular season, his performance against the Predators wasn’t great. Murray may want to at least consider his options there.

    Related: Fowler surprised he wasn’t traded

    Carlyle says Ducks were dealt ‘tough hand’ by schedule-makers

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    Call it sour grapes if you wish, but Randy Carlyle thinks the Anaheim Ducks got screwed by the NHL’s schedule-maker.

    The head coach launched his complaint last night after his Ducks fell to the Nashville Predators in Game 6 of the Western Conference Final.

    “I don’t think we played poorly in the series,” said Carlyle. “I think that the toughest part I have about the whole thing is that this was our seventh game in 13 days.

    “Now, there’s various reasons for that, but I think there’s got to be some consideration in the scheduling in the future between series. We finished on a Wednesday and had to open again on Friday, whereas other teams had to open on Saturday. An extra day would have given us a chance to recover. And we know how tough these games are. And that was a tough hand that was dealt to us.”

    The “other” team to which Carlyle was referring is Pittsburgh. The Penguins beat Washington in Game 7 of the second round on May 10, then opened against Ottawa on May 13.

    The Ducks, on the other hand, knocked out Edmonton in Game 7, also on May 10, then had to start against Nashville on May 12.

    Fatigue may, indeed, have been a factor early in the series against Nashville. In Game 1, the Ducks were badly outshot, 46-29, and lost, 3-2, in overtime.

    Carlyle said afterwards that the extra rest had made a difference for the Preds, who’d eliminated the Blues in six and gone four days without a game.

    Ducks forward Sorensen signs in Swedish League

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    Nick Sorensen, the forward taken 45th overall by Anaheim in 2013, has opted to return to Europe and sign a two-year pact with SHL club Linkoping, the team announced on Tuesday.

    Sorensen, 22, returned to North America this season after spending ’14-15 and ’15-16 in Sweden (the latter with Linkoping, so this is a homecoming of sorts).

    A former Quebec League standout, Sorensen impressed during training camp and made the Ducks’ opening-night roster, appearing in five games before being dispatched to AHL San Diego.

    “Every game, every practice, every day for me, it’s a look to try to stay here,” Sorensen said back in October, per the Daily News. “Even if I play zero, one, five or 20 games, I’m not going to get comfortable up here. It’s the best league in the world.

    “I’m just going to try to prove to them every day I want to be here.”

    With the Gulls, Sorensen had 10 goals and 22 points in 48 games. He also chipped in with another four in eight playoff contests, but did suffer an injury during the postseason.

    Sorensen was a pending RFA, having just wrapped the last year of his entry-level deal.